High-schoolers are completely unaware of shocking adult concepts like rape and sex and murder and they must be protected from their own desire to actually read serious literature.

I wish I had more to blog about for you today, but stories like this just suck my entire will to live. Sorry. Happy weekend everyone!

Someone needs to buy me this shirt. Like, now. Before I buy it for myself in size XXL and olive color.



Also, while you're there, you can go ahead and buy this one for Diana, too.

Lani more or less tagged me and so I did the survey, but before that I wanted to share this:

When a stranger e-mails

Now the survey

Four jobs I have had in my life:

1.a. Concessions worker / Ticket seller / Usher at United Artists Theatres. 1b. Movie theatre supervisor. I was promoted after being there a month and a half. And then I quit about another month and a half later.
2. Waiter at Olive Garden. Yes, I’m still sorry.
3. Copy editor at the Arizona Daily Wildcat. This is the job where I met Diana. She was, I think, technically my boss’s boss. Or something. Anyway, they needed copy editors so Diana told Eliza, the copy chief, to hire some cute boys for her. But instead Eliza hired me. Diana has still not forgiven her.
4. Special Subrogation Claims Representative at an unnamed insurance company (not that you don’t all know anyway). Quick pop quiz: Does anyone actually have any idea what I do? Sidebar: The "special" is a relatively recent addition to my title. A lovely example of the non-pay-related "promotion."

Four movies I'd watch over and over:

1. Almost Famous
2. Nightmare Before Christmas
3. Wonder Boys
4. Love Actually

Four places I have lived:

1. Aurora, CO
2. Tucon, AZ
3. Phoenix, AZ
4. Technically I’ve only ever lived in those three cities. Two different houses in Aurora, three different dorms and an apartment in Tucson and two apartments plus a house in Phoenix. But I spent an awful lot of time in Boulder, CO one summer during college. Does that count?

Four TV shows I love to watch:

1. Sopranos
2. Entourage
3. Law & Order
4. anything by Aaron Sorkin

Four places I have been on vacation:

Let’s go with most recent

1. Disneyland
2. Chicago, IL
3. Estes Park, CO
4. Maui

Four websites I visit daily:

1. Bookslut
2. New York Times
3. Slate
4. bt.etree.org

Four of my favorite foods:

1. that seafood pasta I had in North Beach (SF) a couple summers ago.
2. Diana’s pasta shells
3. Diana’s spaghetti
4. Diana’s apple butter muffins

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. bed
2. Hawaii
3. San Francisco
4. Tattered Cover

Spring Is In The Air

How do I know? Not because I had to turn my calendar to March yesterday (I forgot, actually). Not because the sun is up before my alarm goes off in the morning. And not because spring training started today.

Because on Wednesday Dave Matthews Band announced their 2006 summer tour dates. And since I know you all hang on every word I write when it comes to DMB, I shall now pontificate upon this news.

More DMB content than I can really expect anyone to care about
(feel free to skip to next boldface section header)

Really, the tour this year makes me sad. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. It’s an exciting schedule. Another New York festival, Alpine, Gorge, SPAC, all those typical goodies. Plus two nights back at home in Charlottesville to close the tour. The problem is that I can’t realistically do any of that.

Phoenix's Cricket Pavilion: Not the world's most beautiful venue

I’m still at least tentatively planning on two shows. They play Phoenix on my birthday and San Diego that Saturday. (Also, there are rumors of something in Chicago in September and I hold out hope about that, what with the free lodging there and all.) It bums me out a little bit that due to constraints both on my time and my finances that I can’t justify going to Alpine, or Gorge, or Shoreline. And, yet, even more than I feel slightly sad about that I feel even more guilty about it. And that guilt leads me to feel sad in a whole different way, because part of me feels like I’ve gone and spoiled something pure and beautiful.

Seeing multiple shows in a year wasn’t entirely unusual for me. In 97 I saw Dave three times. Twice in 98. But I never traveled to a show until 2002, when I drove to San Diego. I did the same in 2003. Even then it was still something really special. Even the two shows of a given year were within a week of each other, they were special because it was my only opportunity that year. It was like a religious thing. That changed in 2004, which is the first time I ever traveled far enough that it required me to get on a plane. The first show I saw that year (here in Phoenix) was great, but it felt more like a warm-up. The second show (in LA) was like a boring second act, leading up to the big finale. That finale (in San Francisco) was everything promised and more. But it only made me more determined to get to those handful of “special” shows and “special” venues.

So last year I went to Alpine, and it blew me away. And then I saw a show in Phoenix, which was a good solid show, but so paled in comparison to Alpine before it and what I was expecting Red Rocks to be that even driving out there that night felt like an afterthought. And, again, the three nights of shows I saw at Red Rocks were more than I could ever have dreamed. But here’s the problem: They spoiled me.

Coors Amphitheatre near San Diego. A beautiful venue where the breeze blows in from the ocean, just a couple of miles away.

It makes me feel really obscene to feel even the slightest traces of disappointment just because I’ll only get to see two shows. Only? Every single show used to be like a pilgrimage. I’m invoking the religious imagery very deliberately here. Because there’s this small part of that feels like seeing DMB at Cricket f-ing Pavilion now is like going to mass at your local parish after being to the Vatican. And like the Catholic who gets bored with his own church, I can’t help it, but some part of me knows deep down it’s a sin.

The Hollywood Bowl. Why oh why does this show have to be on a Monday night?

On the other hand, there’s a new Pearl Jam record coming out in May. And tour dates to be released soon. Oh, Mike and Stone, give me comfort.

The post gets more philosophical, if not entirely less dorky

Why do I feel so guilty about this change in the way I feel about seeing DMB in concert, though? I’ve been a fan of that band for more than a decade, you would expect my feelings to change some way or another, right? But I think this really gets to the heart of why it’s an issue for me. Because I am the way I am to a great extent because of DMB. I do everything I try to live in the moment. I don’t believe in delaying gratification. I recognize the realities of adult-hood: that saving money is necessary, that we can’t always do all the fun things we want to. And yet I fight against that “adult” voice in my head every day. I know I have to go to work, for example – but how depressing is it to think that if today were to be my last day that I spent it sitting in this office? My compromise is this: I hate my job, sure, but I let it go as soon as I walk out the door. I listen to happy music in my car as I drive home. I drink in the sunshine and am thankful for it. I am this way because some twelve years ago KBCO started playing a little known band with a stupid name.

Well, OK, this is really a chicken-or-the-egg kind of argument. Am I the way I am because at an impressionable age I heard some music and it inspired me and I grew into a mold that fit with that? Or was I inclined to be this way no matter what and that’s why ultimately things like DMB held more appeal than Nine Inch Nails? And of course, even that doesn’t get fully at the root of it, because as much as I embraced the carpe diem stuff in high school … I didn’t really. How can you really appreciate the idea of your own mortality until something forces the issue? For me, college forced the issue in a big way. I had a girlfriend who’s sister had died at 18, who’s mother killed herself, and – more important than either of that – I had a best friend who one night was but a phone call away and then somehow ceased to exist. (Five years ago this month. Where did that time go? But the thing is I still miss her. All the time. Even after five years.) And while I think that aforementioned girlfriend’s experiences with losing loved ones at an early age has made her cautious and fearful of the world, seeing the reality of mortality has made me only more determined to live. Every day to live as much as I can. Does that sound trite? I suppose it is, sort of. But it’s also probably my number one motivating factor.

But there are two ways the guilt is working, remember. The first is that I feel guilty for giving in to my adult side and admitting that this just isn’t the year to fly all over the country for DMB. (Rhetorical aside: Is this entire post invalidated if I do end up going to see them in Chicago in September?) On the other hand, even I’m capable of admitting that it’s a little sad that I might be measuring my life experience based on when and where I get to see a band in concert. I mean, really. I can embrace a song lyric that says, “I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves dreaming of things we might have done,” but if those things are concerts? I admit it’s a little pathetic. But then I hate to begrudge people their fetishes, and this is clearly mine. To each their own. We all do what we must to get through.

Unrelated to all the above

Also, how cool is this? Assuming you're a Costco member anyway. (Though, really, it would be worth it to join Costco just for this single purchase if you were in the market. As best I can tell this same G5 Costco is offering for $1,480 goes for $1,868 via any other Apple outlet. 3-year Apple Care included. Kinda makes me want to buy one ... just cuz.

When I'm done with school we're moving to California

Item from Yuma's Daily Sun re: new bill in AZ state legislature that would allow community college students to 'opt out' of reading materials they found offensive.

Just when I'm actually starting to think I might someday have this job, the legislature wants to go and take all the fun out of it. And here I thought the exact point of higher education (if not education in general) was to expose people to new and different viewpoints, since at some point or another they will be forced to confront them in the "real world."

Try to ignore how poorly written the article is and just focus on what it's saying. How broad is this going to be? Can a religious bio student opt out of reading about evolution? Can a student opt out of linguistics or sociology if they are offended by the fact that those studies acknowledge the existence of US racial class?

Devil's advocate argument re: wy I might actually want to support such a law:

I'm offended by animal cruelty. Does this mean I don't have to read Moby Dick?

Though, to be completely honest, what's really offensive about Moby Dick is just how damn boring the thing is.

A good example, it seems to me, of one of the truly foul aspects of our culture

It's not an ideological or a political thing. It's not a religious thing. It's not a hateful thing.

It's good people with generally good intentions who fail to use common sense, and before you know it there are threats of a lawsuit.

Something not foul about our culture: A list (via McSweeney's) of The Elements Of Spam>
(Note that "jizz stick" is my new favorite euphemism (?) for the male sex organ.)

Academy Award Bait Fo Sho

This is even better than the happy version of "the Shining," I think ...

3 things

1. Harper Lee, racist

Sometimes I read things and I just like to assume it's a joke. In this case, I'm hoping it's a joke on the part of the person who sent the letter. Really, really hoping.

Assuming it's not a joke, this is an interesting way to consider the topic of literacy. Is being literate simply the ability to read and write? Or does it involve actually being about to understand more than the most basic and literal meanings of words? I'm not saying you have to be able to understand Gravity's Rainbow, I'm just thinking that literacy isn't entirely useful if you think 1984 is just a sci-fi story or think that To Kill a Mockingbird is racist.

2. And speaking of 1984 ...

Note to high school writers: Don't read Chuck Palahniuk, Bret Easton Ellis, or even Stephen King. Or, if you must, please make sure they have no influence on anything you ever want to turn in for class. Unless you want to end up like this, apparently.

Why this story really strikes me beyond all that silly civil liberties nonsense ...

When I was a freshman in high school I wrote a novel, the first of several I wrote during those years. (I haven't finished a single one since.) It was bad in a lot of ways and I'd really rather not go into the plot, but one of the key scenes in the book was when, during the homecoming dance in my school cafeteria, a deranged student blew up the building, killing nearly everyone inside.

At the time, it didn't much occur to me that I could get myself in a lot of trouble if the wrong people found the book. Actually, a lot of people around the school read it and at least one copy was passed from student-to-student quite indiscriminantly. I knew I didn't want a teacher to read it, but I don't suppose I expected to get in much trouble if one ever did. But five years later, two deranged kids walked into their high school and started shooting. They also had every intention of setting off bombs that would have killed or seriously injured hundreds of people in the cafeteria. When I heard about Columbine my first thought was of friends of mine who were students there and if they were OK; my second thought was about that old story I'd written.

Maybe part of my lack of worry about the story at the time was that the whole thing was treated as a distaster. The person responsible was very clearly a villain in every way. The descriptions of what happened were of acts of heroism by survivors and tender scenes recounting those who died. Anyway, that was my intention, I don't know that I was a good enough writer to fully convey the emotion. But nonetheless, it wasn't cruel or vindictive or scary. It was a scene of tragedy.

Still, if someone had found it and I had been expelled it wouldn't be hard for the media to have simply portrayed me as the kid who wrote a book about blowing up his school. Hell, I'd even tried to figure out what supports you;d have to crumble to bring the roof down and what kinds of explosives might do the trick.

To me, the story the kid in Minnesota wrote sounds like something that was aiming at comedy. But the one about shooting the teacher does sound threatening and I'm certainly not going to blame the teacher for reporting that she felt threatened. But how did we skip all the steps where the kid and his parents were contacted by (a) the school or (b) law enforcement to talk about the problem? Then again, in this day and age, maybe the kid's lucky he got out at all.

3. Oh, and this is awesome.

I sometimes think that, if Murray is pretty much Garfield, then Mason is a lot like Bucky. (In which case Murray is also rather like Satchel, sadly).

Linguistics In The Bedroom

Hi there! It's Friday! I love Fridays, don't you? To celebrate, let’s talk for a moment about orgasms! (No, I’m only kidding.) Let’s talk about the way we talk about orgasms! (That time I was serious.)

I’m interested in language anyway and being in a linguistics class right now has really heightened that, plus this topic has always been one of particular interest to me. English, being both the world’s current language of record and eternally broad and flexible, has been studied almost to the point of exhaustion linguistically. But no one spends too much time talking about dirty words, really, and that’s a shame – in some ways they’re the most fun of all. 1

Perhaps they’re unique precisely because they’re so rarely discussed in proper company, because no one quite wants to sit down and say, This is the proper way to use motherfucker and please for the love of all things holy stop spelling it mothafucka.They might have revised Strunk & White with pictures, but they’re never going to revise enough to help anyone who knows the word cunt but doesn’t know it’s not a good idea to use the word in mixed company.

But back to orgasms. I would say this only occurs to me because I’m a writer – what I mean to discuss here is a spelling convention, it’s nothing to do with the way you talk – but then again I’ve never written any kind of erotica or porn that includes an especially explicit reference to an orgasm. I’ve written some sex scenes, but mostly they’re just preludes or general reactions – only in very extreme circumstances can I imagine a serious work of fiction needing to describe the angle and force of each thrust. And if I ever have the need, I think I tend to refer to being “finishing” or “when it was over,” and not the act of orgasm itself. I may have written the “c” word in the previous paragraph, but there’s always a small part of me that’s just a tiny bit prudish.

So maybe it’s something I’ve noticed as a reader. Or maybe it’s a non-issue that only I’m interested in. (Shocking, I know, but it’s happened before.)

My question is: Do people come or do they cum? I’m pretty much exclusively talking about it in terms of verb form here, as I think we’d all agree that the noun with synonyms such as spooge and jizz is cum. But what about the verb? I’ve seen it written both ways (but I’m not actually bored enough to go try to find any right now. Sorry.)

I prefer come, and I can give you rational arguments even though deep down I think it’s just because sentences like Mary was disgusted when John decided to cum on her without asking just kind of look weird to me. Even weirder is the breathless pronouncement I’m gonna cum. Gut instinct is one of the easiest ways to detect something grammatically incorrect, 2 so why not here?

Linguistically, my objection has to do with the fact that it’s a verb whose past tense is came. Logically (not that English conjugation is always logical), you would expect the past tense of cum to be cummed. But it’s not. To me, the verb to come (as it pertains to having an orgasm not what you ask your dog to do) is essentially a verb with an implied but almost never acknowledged prepositional object. To come to orgasm, she came to orgasm, they had come to orgasm, etc. But we just say come, she came, they had come, etc.

The counterpoint would be that in English we very often allow words to function as different parts of speech, so the noun cum might be perfectly capable of becoming the verb cum. In this case, I guess, the verb just happens to conjugate irregularly, maybe because we’re so used to the verb to come that saying cummed would be too strange. Furthermore, you could argue that the idea of to come to orgasm is incorrect since we don’t actually talk about coming to orgasm; we say we had an orgasm. I don’t agree with this argument – and for that matter I’m not sure anyone but me has ever thought about this enough to formulate the argument – but it’s still a valid one.

Does anyone else have thoughts? Preferences?

Next time we’ll try to figure out why the most common way of referring to fellatio involves a verb (to blow) that frankly has no place whatsoever in the act itself. (No, I'm joking, there’s not really going to be a next time.)

1. Consider that in the entire English language we have probably hundreds or thousands of prefixes and affixes but just infix, a linguistic staple of many languages that functions just the same as a prefix or affix except that it appears in the middle of the word. And in English the only infix is the word fuck. As in, absolufuckinglutely.

2. Pretty much everyone can recognize that I are a Steelers fan is incorrect, even if they don’t know enough about subject-verb agreement to explain why.

Not Grouchy

Ah, early February. A time when America's attention turns to groundhogs, what to get that special someone for Valentine's Day, and arguments over just how this or that shitty ass movie ended up nominated for an Oscar. But not this year - for me anyway.

Of the ten movies nominated for best picture Academy Awards over the past two years, I had only seen two of them at the actual time of the nominations (Finding Neverland and Lord of the Rings). So, it’ll be nice to sit this year and have a valid opinion on most of the movies being discussed, as I’ve actually seen the majority of them. As if that isn’t enough, I even agree with what’s been nominated (mostly).

Best Picture (Brokeback Mountain / Capote / Crash / Good Night, and Good Luck / Munich)

Something that has always annoyed me about BPs is the unwritten rule that they have to be serious movies to qualify. There have been exceptions (Beauty and the Beast and Sideways come to mind) but generally comedies don’t do well. This summer gave us two raunchy, R-rated, but wonderful comedies in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Wedding Crashers and in a lot of years I might have really hoped one would somehow earn a nomination. But I can’t complain at all about these five nominees. I’m especially surprised (but thrilled) to see Capote get a best picture nomination, and I’m surprised Walk the Line wasn’t nominated. In a perfect world I would add Syriana to the list of nominees (I’d probably take off Good Night, and Good Luck – trading Clooneys, essentially), but to me any of these five are as good as anything else that has been nominated (or won) this decade.

Actor (Philip Seymour Hoffman / Terrance Howard / Heath Ledger / Joaquin Phoenix / David Straithairn)

I guess you could qualify Joaquin as a bit of a dark horse with a chance in this category but this is really the Phil vs. Heath show. My wife and I debate this all the time – she’s of the opinion that Heath Ledger’s performance was better because it was more of a risk and more of a stretch for him. I can’t really argue that. Indeed, her point is so strong I occasionally feel like giving in to it. But if I got to vote I would for Hoffman. When I watched Brokeback Mountain, I often found myself thinking, Wow, Heath Ledger is really doing a fine job of acting. He’s got that Wyoming drawl thing just right. But while I was watching Capote, I didn’t even see Hoffman on the screen. It was one of those performances that is a transformation. The voice, the mannerisms, even the way he looked – even afterward I have such a difficult time reconciling the actor I’m familiar with and the performance in that movie. But, again, both could have statues if these movies had simply been in different years. As for the other nominees, I can’t quibble – Terrence Howard was great in Crash, though calling him a lead actor seems a stretch. That was a good example of a movie that should win an ensemble award, so I’m glad they did from the Screen Actor’s Guild. I haven’t seen Walk The Line, but Joaquin gets a thumbs up from me just because he sings and so nearly convinces me that he actually is Johnny cash. Straithairn was good, especially considering he was often acting against file footage as opposed to other actors. If I could have a sixth nominee I’d like to name Viggo Mortensen for History of Violence.

Actress (Judi Dench / Felicity Huffman / Keira Knightley / Charlize Theron / Reese Witherspoon)

So much for my being informed theory – I haven’t seen any of these movies. Seems like Dame Judi gets nominated for any movie she does, though I can’t necessarily argue with that. I would have liked to see Maria Bello nominated (Hirstory of Violence, again), but since I haven’t seen any of these movies I’m not really qualified to say if she was better or not. Reese Witherspoon is pretty much a lock in this category, isn’t she? If she wins, the list of movies recent best acting winners have starred in will now include: Legally Blonde 2, Stealth, and Catwoman. Plus Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be the bad guy in MI:3. Curse of the golden Oscar, anyone?

Supporting Actress (Amy Adams / Catherine Keener / Frances McDormand / Rachel Weisz / Michelle Williams)

I liked Catherine Keener a lot in Capote, but this is probably between Weisz and Williams, right? Williams was impressive, though I actually liked Anne Hathaway’s wife of a closeted gay cowboy a little bit more. Oh, and since you’re probably wondering, Amy Adams was in a movie called Junebug that most critics loved and absolutely no one has actually seen.)

Supporting Actor (George Clooney / Matt Dillon / Paul Giamatti / Jake Gyllenhaal / William Hurt)

Now, look, William Hurt is one of my absolute favorite actors. He steals every scene I’ve ever watched him in. But he’s in History of Violence for – what? – five minutes maybe? Maybe ten? He was good, but not that good. Gyllenhaal was good but not nearly as good in his role as Heath Ledger – maybe it was the mustache that kept distracting me. And speaking of facial hair, Clooney is nominated for Syriana and deserves a win.

Animated Feature

There are three things nominated in this category, but I know nothing about "Howl’s Moving Castle." That probably means it will win. I love Tim Burton and I liked Corpse Bride, but I just completely loved Wallace and Gromit. Good year for claymation, though. Pretty harsh for the makers of Chicken Little and Madagascar that they couldn't even get nominated in this category.

Directing

This is one of the first times in my memory that the directors of the five best picture nominees are all nominated for directing. Normally someone gets screwed, it seems. Again, I’d love to see Spielberg win, but Ang lee (who will win) is plenty deserving. The issues I have with the middle section of Brokeback Mountain aren’t his fault, really, and he made a truly beautiful movie.

Best song

I really like the "In the Deep" song that is nominated from Crash. It’s been on my iPod ever since I saw the movie. But how can you not want a song called "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" to win an Oscar?

Adapted Screenplay (Brokeback Mountain / Capote / The Constant Gardener / A History of Violence / Munich)

Brokeback Mountain will probably win but this is one of the categories where I don’t really think it should. If only so that Larry McMurtry won’t thank his typewriter again. Capote is an adaptation from a biography – the writer did a neat job of defining his entire life based on those years he spent out in Kansas working on in Cold Blood. Then again, I liked Munich so much it's hard for me not to pick it for every category.

Original Screenplay (Crash / Good Night, and Good Luck / Match Point / The Squid and the Whale / Syriana)

I liked Match Point, but while the ending resolved a lot of issues I had, it didn’t resolve all of them. GNGL was well done but the writing itself didn’t strike me as spectacular. Plus, when you’re using footage of historical speeches and transcribing news broadcasts does it really count as an original screenplay? Crash and Syriana both tell separate stories about a larger theme that come together in the end. But I thought Syriana did it better, and wasn’t quite as didactic as crash was at times. I’d vote for Syriana, but I really have no idea what will win this category.

An invitation. Anyone who would like to come is welcome to join us at our house on Oscar night for gay cowboy-themed festivities. I mean Oscar festivities. Pretty much the same thing this year, anyway. We'll have a little pick the winners contest and no doubt plenty of snarky comments. Hope to see y'all.