Don't Trust Your TV

(Special note: I'm going to totally spoil something that happens in the season premier of Nip/Tuck s3, which aired this week. You've been warned.)

So I'm late to this bandwagon, I know. But I'm hopping on now.

People, television today has become a scourge. A travesty. This medium once provided a happy diversion and showed us a better way to live our lives, to work out our differences. It proved that the nice guy gets the girl. It showed us that the good guys win. But no longer. Do not trust your TV.

Oh, you're going to want to. The scenarios your TV offers up these days aren't nearly as boring as they used to be.

For example: last night I watched (a day late, thanks DVR!) the season premier of Nip/Tuck. Toward the end of the episode, Dr. Christian Troy (you ladies know him as the "hot" one, I guess) found himself, rather improbably, being seduced by the darkly attractive British detective who is working his case. I thought, "I have never been seduced by a representative of law enforcement myself, but it's on TV so it must happen. Maybe some day that could be me." I felt I had something to aspire to. This is what makes Nip/Tuck a great show, you see.

But then Dr. Troy and the detective were interrupted mid-coitus by Dr. Troy's girlfriend, pornstar/porn director Kimber. She was, not entirely surprisingly, affronted at this discovery. Unabashed, Dr. Troy simply held out his hand to her in offering. And she accepted, initiating a threesome love scene that will apparently be a feature of the entire season. "Hot damn!" thought I, "What a world out there that I'm missing! I must commit to living my life more fully."

Unfortunately, this commitment to myself was interrupted by unwanted commentary from Erin, who - though she claims to be a "friend" of mine - in point of fact often interrupts my thoughts in similar fashion to what I am about to describe.

She said, "Uh, on what planet does this happen?"

And I started to think, *Ding!* Duh, Erin, the show is clearly set in Miami, which is clearly a part of this world. Except then Diana agreed with her.

I was shocked. Still am. Flabbergasted even. And yet, would you believe that I was assured solemnly by both women in my presence last night that if I were to be interrupted mid-coitus by my wife, that she would not join in the festivities. Do you get what I'm saying? It wasn't true. Nip/Tuck lied to me.

It's time that we put an end to this.

Over two seasons the show has made it quite clear that surrounding yourself with numerous beautiful women leads inevitably to sleeping with numerous beautiful women (another lesson from Dr. Troy). But it seems that too was false information. So what the hell do I have all these attractive female friends for?

This is not OK. We can no longer allow Hollywood to infect our minds with lies. If it's not going to happen for me, then it damn well better not happen for Dr. Troy.

Boycott your TV! Show those industry bastards we won't stand for their lies and propaganda! Let's end this now, before it's too late, before any more marriages end in ruin and any more men are denied what they only naturally believe is theirs.

No more!

Thank you for your time.