Ask Someone Smarter Than You

First, an apology for that last post. See, in an effort to refresh myself on Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in anticipation of next Friday’s big event, I am listening to the book at work. Turns out I struggle to (a) make any sense at all and (b) use grammar correctly when I’m also listening to delightful children’s stories. Who knew? You might think this suggests terrible things about my job performance while listening, but you would be wrong. In fact, I don’t need to use my brain to perform my job at all. Basically, I’m just a zombie with a phone: “Give money. Sub. Ro. Gay. Shun! Bad toilet part, bad! Give money!” That’s basically me and my co-workers all day long. Or, no wait, maybe that’s just what our supervisor seems to think our job consists of.

Anyway, on with the show.

I have noticed that people are often seeking out my wisdom with questions on everything from current events, to spelling, to the meaning of life. In an attempt to consolidate this chore I have created this new advice column: Ask Someone Smarter Than You. Namely, me. Here we go:

Dear …

I have a problem but I’m not sure how to solve it. When I’m in crowded places, Disneyland say, I am compelled to stop, inexplicably, and obstruct all manner of people and traffic behind me. I’m completely oblivious. I also do this in stores and even parking lots. Can you help?

- Wait, what was I doing again?

Dear what,

You are the proverbial “exception that proves the rule.” In this case, the rule you are proving – albeit in a roundabout way – is that of evolution. Many people mistakenly think evolution simply chooses the best and the brightest to continue on. This is not necessarily true. Sometimes evolution chooses people with no marketable skills whatsoever. For example, girls who are eager to spread their legs and guys who are attracted to those girls don’t really offer much for society, but they have a remarkable rate of procreation. A good real-life example of this is Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. But back to your problem. See, thousands and thousands of years ago, the vast majority of your ancestors were killed on the African plain when they would stop for no reason whatsoever and get stampeded by a herd of wildebeests or eaten by a lion with low standards. Unfortunately, a few of your people survived and passed these genes on to you. In today’s world stopping in the dead center of Main Street Disneyland is not necessarily going to get you killed, but it’s still an evolutionary disadvantage. And if you’re doing the same thing in parking lots then I dare say your kind are soon to meet your appropriate fate. Anyway, I can’t really help you with this problem. But my good friend Charles here ...

Dear guy who ordered some popcorn chicken and mashed potatoes,

I know you asked for Pepsi and not Dr. Pepper. And I know you asked for honey mustard and ranch dipping sauces even though I gave you barbecue sauce. Wanna make something of it?

- KFC drive-thru chick

Dear Thru,

I don’t really mind about the switch to Dr. Pepper. If it was Diet Pepsi then we’d have an issue. What is a problem for me is handing over the drink when it’s completely covered with soda that overflowed from the cup. That’s rude in any situation because people will inevitably get sticky hands, but when the person is sitting in a car then it’s just plain rude. But that probably explains why you’re working at KFC, doesn’t it?

Dear fanboy,

In a recent Rolling Stone interview Bono named "Electrical Storm" as one of his favorite U2 songs. So why haven't they ever played it?

- The Edge

Dear edgy,

This used to upset me, too, but frankly even I don't understand the innerworkings of Bono's brain. At first I thought maybe the song didn't fit their show that well, but ... well, the thing is it would fit in their set. Ultimately, though, I don't get upset because I'm not likely to get a chance to see U2 live until like ... 2009 or something. I did see two very good shows in Phoenix in the spring. Unfortunately, I skipped Las Vegas this past weekend and of course they proceeded to play what everyone is now hailing as the best show of the tour. I'm a fountain of knowledge, for crying out loud, not an oracle.

Hey Matt,

I need directions. Help?

- Erin

Dear cumdumpster,

I wouldn't say we were “lost” either time, but I nonetheless managed to fail to find both Diana’s school and Disneyland on Friday night’s trip, remember? Diana’s school is one thing (I’ve been there twice and one of those times it was a field), but Disneyland? How does one miss Disneyland? So, what in this past history makes you want to seek advice (directional advice especially) from me? Then again, you did trust me to drive you home on Sunday, so maybe I’m all you’ve got?

Dear “buddy,”

Why do older guys like me always call younger guys like you “buddy?” Actually, that’s not even my question, but it’s a damn good one, too. So I saw you walk toward the register and responsibly go through the actual line the way you’re supposed to. And then I just walked up, avoided the line altogether, and got to the counter in front of you. I even made eye contact with you. Don’t you feel like a sucker?

- The guy from the library

Dear guy,

No worries. Once you were out the door the librarian looked at me and said, “That guy comes in here every few days. He’s a total dick.” The librarian, you may remember, was a woman probably old enough to be my grandmother. This made my day so I bear you no ill will. Except for the calling me “buddy” thing. That needs to stop.

That's all for now!